My truth. My first monster was my father. Just to state, I was never sexually abused by my father. I am a survivor of severe emotional and mental abuse. The occasions of physical abuse are few but are still present in my memory.
For as long as I can remember, I have had a shitty relationship with my father. I have some “good” memories but they are far removed. My father has been an alcoholic for the entire duration of my life. The rift in our relationship started with my mother’s alleged affair. I couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7. My father asked me if my mom had a boyfriend. I don’t even think I had a clue of what a boyfriend was. I don’t remember my exact response. I just remember that whatever I said strained our relationship forever. To this day, he still blames me for not telling him about it. In our last conversation, over 20 years after the initial conversation…months after my mom’s passing. He brought up the anger that he still had towards me concerning that incident.
I remember the night I ran to my neighbor’s house in the middle of the night. I was in my bedroom and heard loud yelling from our living room. I heard fighting and violence. I put on my shoes and ran out our door through the kitchen. My neighbor opened the door and saw me crying and afraid. She was super kind. She asked me what was going on. I told her that my dad was drunk and was fighting with my mom. She let me wait at her house while she called the police. The police walked me from her house back to my home. In a nutshell, both of my parents denied that anything had happened. My mom and I packed our things and spent the night at my grandmother’s house. We went home the next day. He never forgave me for that.
At almost every single graduation ceremony that I have had, he has found a way to start an arguement with me. He hated that I was not afraid or dependent on him. On the day of my high school graduation, he threatened to not take me to the early admission STEM program at my college. I told him that I would just find another ride there. At my college graduation, he disappeared after the ceremony with no cellphone amongst a sea of people. When I asked him why he had disappeared, he got angry and started yelling.
I made the decision to cut him out of my life after my mother’s passing. He acted an entire ass from the time we found out about her terminal illness through the funeral preparations. I couldn’t take anymore. Prior to her passing, I told my mom that I would be cordial to him. However, I told her that once she transitioned, I would be done with him for good. A few days after her funeral, he spoke ill of my mother. It was unforgivable. This was after he had already insisted on splitting her ashes. I ended the phone call and the relationship with him that night. Several months later, I received a phone call from the hospital telling me that he was trying to give my name as being the person responsible for my mother’s small amount of medical bills. The women on the phone were so kind and apologetic. They told me that legally it was his responsibility and that they would pursue further actions as needed. Mind you, I had already covered the entirety of my mom’s funeral.
He tried to con me into believing that I was not worthy of anything good…That I was inferior and a mistake. That I was unworthy of happiness and love…I make a choice to rebel against this daily.
13 years ago, I worked mainly in the dining room at Bojangles. I HATED that job. I was a junior in high school. I had no real bills but wanted a little extra spending money.
I will never forget the lessons I learned at that job. It was my first experience with learning how to deal with rude/difficult customers (some not all). I have used those lessons while working in many different environments…from labs, to academic institutions, to companies.
Your current job may not be your final destination. However, while working towards your next move, absorb information like a sponge. Take every experience as a learning experience. Use that information to do better the next time. It’s preparing you for your elevation.
I’ve had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. However, I wasn’t officially diagnosed with having anything until 2017.
Prior to being diagnosed, in 2016, I started attending both group and individual therapy in grad school. I was having a hard time. Not with my coursework though. I was at a huge PWI several states away from most of my friends and family. I was one of a few black people in my program. I was having difficulty adjusting. On top of that, I had two decades of abuse and trauma to work through.
Notably, in mid 2014, I was sexually assaulted by a guy I was dating. This experience wasn’t my first encounter with having an unwanted experience with a person I was dating. However, the nature of the experience changed me for the worse. I sought solace in things that did not make the feeling of being “dirty” go away. My levels of anxiety and depression only increased.
In May 2019, I decided to go on medication to assist me in my mental health journey. I already had been working with a therapist. Upon asking me a few questions, my primary care physician gave me a series of assessments. I ranked in the “severe” category for both anxiety and depression. I already knew that something was “wrong”.
Life had been kicking my ass making my already fragile mental health even worse. Dealing with the loss of my mom and general unhappiness with my career caused me to dread waking up every morning. Dragging myself out of bed felt like what I can imagine is the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest. I couldn’t concentrate. My brain was foggy all of the time. I was always tired.
Two years later, I am thankful to have gone on my medication. I am able to focus so much better and operate without a looming sense of existential dread. My life has improved substantially. I have been able to focus on being there and celebrating my loved ones. I originally thought that going on medication made me a failure. However, I realize more than ever that my conditions were (are) a chemical imbalance. I couldn’t “will” myself into fixing it. I’m living now and not merely existing.
I was in middle school when my biological father told me what he deemed to be my fate. He told me that “no boy would ever like me because I was fat”. I have internalized these words for almost 20 years.
I’m sure that I was not the only little fat girl that was told those ugly words. Whether it was said by a family member, classmate or other individual…it still hurts. It’s even worse when the sharpness of those words still replays in your head so many years later. No matter how hard I try to accept and love myself, I still move with the knowledge that I am deemed to be “undesirable” and “unloveable” because of my size (by some people).
When I dropped 70 pounds in college, I was determined to find a romantic partner. In my head, the only barrier to me being in a successful relationship was the number on the scale. I obsessively counted calories and worked out like a maniac. I gained validation by seeing the number on the scale go down. However, honestly, none of my relationships improved by me being smaller. I still was stuck in a cycle of wanting to crawl out of my skin and hide under a rock. I pretty much hated myself. The men I dated still wasted my time and ultimately the relationships didn’t lead to anything long-term.
I currently am over 100 pounds heavier than my lowest adult weight. Some, but not all of it had to do with me dealing with the loss of my mom by emotional eating. I am not happy with my current size but I am at peace. However, I am not actively doing anything to change it. I am fortunate not to hate myself anymore. I would love to lose weight but I have to commit to doing what it takes. I’m not there yet but I can tell that I am getting close. Until then, I choose to not beat myself up for being human. Whether I stay the same size, lose or gain weight, I know that I still have a lot of unlearning to do. My goal is to never be the reason why someone feels unworthy (especially because of their body size). Including myself…
My natural hair is currently the longest it has ever been in my adult life. I have had countless struggles with my hair for over the past decade or so (see Post 13).
I made the decision to unloc my hair during April 2020. The pandemic closed most hair salons and I got tired of looking rough. I had only been loced for about 3 months. I decided to commit to taking care of my natural hair and refrain from cutting it.
Currently, my hair is about 9-10 inches when stretched. I am proud of myself. For the most part, I have stuck to a set routine with some variation here and there. I’ve also worn wigs less often and allowed my hair to breathe.
Here is my routine:
Prepoo hair on a monthly basis
Shampoo my hair weekly or biweekly
Condition my hair during each wash and detangle
Deep condition for and hour twice a month using a heated cap
Oil scalp after each wash
Use the LCO (leave-in, cream and oil) method to prep and style hair in two strand twists
Here are some of the products I use:
For Pre-poo: Olive oil and Africa’s Best Originals Hair Mayonnaise
For Shampoo: Aveeno Clarify & Shine Apple Cider Vinegar Blend Conditioner OR Carol’s Daughter Black Vanilla Sulfate Free Shampoo
For Conditioner: Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Conditioner
For Deep Conditioner: Miss Jessie’s Rapid Recovery Treatment MIXED WITH Mielle’s Rosemary Mint Strengthening Hair Masque
For Oil: Olive Oil, Jamaican Black Castor Oil and Wild Growth Hair Oil
For Leave-In: Design Essentials Almond & Avocado Detangling Leave-In Conditioner
If you would have told me that I would end up meeting someone dope during a pastrami (also known as a pandemic), I would have called you a liar. However, I did. He’s pretty great.
I journeyed into the land of Bumble for what was going to be my last time (at least in 2020). I had incredibly low expectations. I had dated several men before and after the pandemic without anything substantial coming from it. After finding out that the last guy I had talked to was still married (legally separated) and had a whole 90 Day Fiance situation, I was done.
However, after attending one of my best friend’s weddings (we were masked and it was beautiful), I decided to give Bumble another shot. I usually never date younger men. However, I figured that I had nothing to lose. I lowered the age to 27. After that, he was one of the first individuals I swiped right on.
These past few months have been absolutely incredible. We dated for about a month and a half before deciding to be in a relationship. We have had so much fun even during this terrible world situation. We haven’t argued and share a lot of the same interests. He respects my opinions and I respect his.
From at-home dates to mini socially distanced day trips/getaways, we always find something fun to do and something good to eat. I can actually see a future with him which is refreshing. He treats me so well. We constantly ask each other “where did you come from?”. We live sooo close to one another and never crossed paths. I’m glad we both swiped right. I’m looking forward to creating more memories with him in the future 😊
In December of 2020, I received unexpected news during a routine medical appointment. My blood pressure was abnormally high. At 29, I had never experienced this issue before. I was told to come back in a month for a follow up appointment.
Due to being super busy with work, I returned almost two months later. Honestly, I had changed nothing about my eating habits. I was sure that the previous measurements were just weird outliers. However, while my blood pressure had lowered some, it still teetered between the elevated blood pressure and high blood pressure (stage 1) zone. I was devastated. My PCP discussed putting me on blood pressure medicine but I asked her for an opportunity to make some lifestyle changes.
Since college, I have gained an enormous amount of weight. I lost 70 pounds in college through calorie counting and exercise. However, I was not able to keep up this same momentum while transitioning into the working world. I would go through bouts of losing weight and working out but they would never last for more that 3-4 months.
This wake up call got my attention. Losing my mother due to congestive heart failure complications (along with other conditions) completely broke me. My depression was debilitating. It should have been my sign to cut back on salt and get back on track. However, it drove me to continue to seek comfort in food especially fast food. I rejected any thoughts of working out. Doing the bare minimum was difficult enough.
I am now in a better place due to seeking help. Being in this better place helps me to realize that I cannot allow myself to become a casualty due to my own poor decisions. I am not perfect but I want to put forth a good effort in shifting my lifestyle.
So far I have done the following things:
1. Started cooking more and eating out wayyyyy less
2. Cooking with low salt or no salt seasonings (no added table salt or salty seasonings)
3. Trying to keep my daily sodium intake to less than 1500mg-2000mg
4. Buying low sodium food options in stores ( low sodium or reduced sodium broth, beans, bacon and tortillas are examples)
5. Monitor my blood pressure by testing at least 1-2 times per day
I definitely have not been perfect and have yet to start back working out. However, my goal is to start back soon using some Youtube videos. I have a follow up appointment in 2 months and my goal is to be back in the normal blood prssure range and ten pounds lighter.
My goal is to never have to start high blood pressure medicine. Wish me luck!!!