Category: May 2021

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May 2021

Post #18: Hello depression and anxiety my old friends

I’ve had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. However, I wasn’t officially diagnosed with having anything until 2017.

Prior to being diagnosed, in 2016, I started attending both group and individual therapy in grad school. I was having a hard time. Not with my coursework though. I was at a huge PWI several states away from most of my friends and family. I was one of a few black people in my program. I was having difficulty adjusting. On top of that, I had two decades of abuse and trauma to work through.

Notably, in mid 2014, I was sexually assaulted by a guy I was dating. This experience wasn’t my first encounter with having an unwanted experience with a person I was dating. However, the nature of the experience changed me for the worse. I sought solace in things that did not make the feeling of being “dirty” go away. My levels of anxiety and depression only increased.

In May 2019, I decided to go on medication to assist me in my mental health journey. I already had been working with a therapist. Upon asking me a few questions, my primary care physician gave me a series of assessments. I ranked in the “severe” category for both anxiety and depression. I already knew that something was “wrong”.

Life had been kicking my ass making my already fragile mental health even worse. Dealing with the loss of my mom and general unhappiness with my career caused me to dread waking up every morning. Dragging myself out of bed felt like what I can imagine is the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest. I couldn’t concentrate. My brain was foggy all of the time. I was always tired.

Two years later, I am thankful to have gone on my medication. I am able to focus so much better and operate without a looming sense of existential dread. My life has improved substantially. I have been able to focus on being there and celebrating my loved ones. I originally thought that going on medication made me a failure. However, I realize more than ever that my conditions were (are) a chemical imbalance. I couldn’t “will” myself into fixing it. I’m living now and not merely existing.

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May 2021

Bonus: Plus size confessions

I was in middle school when my biological father told me what he deemed to be my fate. He told me that “no boy would ever like me because I was fat”. I have internalized these words for almost 20 years.

I’m sure that I was not the only little fat girl that was told those ugly words. Whether it was said by a family member, classmate or other individual…it still hurts. It’s even worse when the sharpness of those words still replays in your head so many years later. No matter how hard I try to accept and love myself, I still move with the knowledge that I am deemed to be “undesirable” and “unloveable” because of my size (by some people).

When I dropped 70 pounds in college, I was determined to find a romantic partner. In my head, the only barrier to me being in a successful relationship was the number on the scale. I obsessively counted calories and worked out like a maniac. I gained validation by seeing the number on the scale go down. However, honestly, none of my relationships improved by me being smaller. I still was stuck in a cycle of wanting to crawl out of my skin and hide under a rock. I pretty much hated myself. The men I dated still wasted my time and ultimately the relationships didn’t lead to anything long-term.

I currently am over 100 pounds heavier than my lowest adult weight. Some, but not all of it had to do with me dealing with the loss of my mom by emotional eating. I am not happy with my current size but I am at peace. However, I am not actively doing anything to change it. I am fortunate not to hate myself anymore. I would love to lose weight but I have to commit to doing what it takes. I’m not there yet but I can tell that I am getting close. Until then, I choose to not beat myself up for being human. Whether I stay the same size, lose or gain weight, I know that I still have a lot of unlearning to do. My goal is to never be the reason why someone feels unworthy (especially because of their body size). Including myself…

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May 2021

Post #17: Issa Natural Hair Wash Day

My natural hair is currently the longest it has ever been in my adult life. I have had countless struggles with my hair for over the past decade or so (see Post 13).

I made the decision to unloc my hair during April 2020. The pandemic closed most hair salons and I got tired of looking rough. I had only been loced for about 3 months. I decided to commit to taking care of my natural hair and refrain from cutting it.

Currently, my hair is about 9-10 inches when stretched. I am proud of myself. For the most part, I have stuck to a set routine with some variation here and there. I’ve also worn wigs less often and allowed my hair to breathe.

Here is my routine:

  • Prepoo hair on a monthly basis
  • Shampoo my hair weekly or biweekly
  • Condition my hair during each wash and detangle
  • Deep condition for and hour twice a month using a heated cap
  • Oil scalp after each wash
  • Use the LCO (leave-in, cream and oil) method to prep and style hair in two strand twists

Here are some of the products I use:

  • For Pre-poo: Olive oil and Africa’s Best Originals Hair Mayonnaise
  • For Shampoo: Aveeno Clarify & Shine Apple Cider Vinegar Blend Conditioner OR Carol’s Daughter Black Vanilla Sulfate Free Shampoo
  • For Conditioner: Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Conditioner
  • For Deep Conditioner: Miss Jessie’s Rapid Recovery Treatment MIXED WITH Mielle’s Rosemary Mint Strengthening Hair Masque
  • For Oil: Olive Oil, Jamaican Black Castor Oil and Wild Growth Hair Oil
  • For Leave-In: Design Essentials Almond & Avocado Detangling Leave-In Conditioner
  • For Cream (or Gel): Design Essentials Almond & Avocado Honey Curl Forming Custard

What are your staple hair products?